Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hardcorefizz's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 25th, 2008
3:45 pm	Chris Nonell 5904 BROOKFIELD RD RICHMOND, VA 23227-1902 804-318-6657
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
8:52 pm	early september hey, i dont think this makes any sense. All I wanted to do was let you know that I'm transferring schools next semester because I had just decided and of course when anything big in my life happens, no matter if we're together or not, I'm going to want to tell you. But you're in your "just ignore her I dont want anything to do with her anymore" phase again i guess and won't even write back. Now I can really see that you don't care and, even tho I thought you would since you say you do care about me, I realize I can't trust a damn word that comes out of your mouth even if you're crying. Unless you write back and tell me that today was a misunderstanding, ex. something happened with your phone or any other good reason, and that you do want me in your life, I am going to have to change my number tomorrow and delete you from everything leaving us with no contact at all b/c I can't deal with you changing your mind all the time when I KNOW what I want. I don't want a relationship with you anymore I just feel so lonely not having you to talk to AT ALL. i dont even need sex from u anymore since I'm at home with my bathtub and getting a vibrator. but it's like...you know how lonely and sad I've been lately, yet you're still doing this to me? this is getting a little ridiculous, you think? we can't even be friends....pathetic Thank you so much for finally changing your number like I'd asked, I realize you didn't do it so that my life would be easier - so that I could get over shit quicker, only bc you dont want to pay my hospital bill or my doctor bill (since I'm supposed to be going sometime soon somethings honestly messed up with it) and I was getting on your nerves but I still appreciate it. I am seeing/talking to other guys and still couldnt stop myself from saying what I did last night, or from asking how you've been doing like I did on saturday. I, unlike you, haven't quite fallen out of love yet or stopped wondering from time to time what you're doing and I really wish I knew how. I'm sure you don't care about anything I'm saying right now, you might not even read this and I'm probably just wasting my time, but maybe one day you'll look back and see how much I truly loved you. sounds gay i know...but honestly, you're the only person I've ever really loved with all my heart and would have done anything for. I kinda know how you feel right now since I was pretty much in your position last spring when I wanted to get away from you and changed my number. I remember you sending me all sorts of crazy texts, even threatening to kill yourself, and sending me like every word to that one brand new song, not far from what I've been doing to you lately, and me just thinking sometimes "I wish he'd leave me the fuck alone, I really like alex and how things are now," etc. and talking shit about you to ppl calling u pathetic and all that. so I understand. Its weird but even after i sent you those texts this wknd I was just hoping you wouldnt write back bc I really do see this as a good thing. I've felt so much better off lately and like healthier or something but i still cant help but feel sad once in awhile. The hardest part about saying goodbye is having to do it again everyday and some days I'm better at it than others. I woulda never seen this coming last fall or ever imagined i'd be saying all this right now. it's all still pretty shocking somehow. It's just that you were the only guy ive ever been with that I felt cared, like as much about me as I cared about you. that must be why this is so shocking to me.. sometimes I think that you are just someone else that I never really knew like I thought, like that I musta had u pegged all wrong, but then I realize it has to be that I had your love and i had your attention and then I messed things up, somethings wrong with me. I'm the reason you don't want me anymore and thats just about the worst feeling I've ever felt. I wish I could get you erased from my memory like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind its so fucking hard to move on when I still think of all the good memories like one i thought about earlier when i was watching the vmas - when I waited at your apt with reba while u were at work one sunday instead of going back to lynchburg and I talked to you online until you got home and I was just so fucking happy, like I loved being able to talk to you all the time and have neither one of us get sick of it, I'm not sure if i've ever been happier than I was some of those times I was with you. which is a big reason why it's so hard to let go..I want to be happy more than anything. My heart feels like it has officially broken this time, but I'm almost thankful for tonight. Things can only get better from here. P.S. I hope that you find what you are looking for in life and that you end up being happy. I hope you eventually get married and have cute little kids and end up in the job that's right for you. Even though I feel like I tried to do things right and still got fucked over in the end, I wish nothing but the best for you. Kinda weird coming from me, huh? ;) Seriously, though, I do. ♥
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
9:26 pm	new lifeeee sooo my 19th bday was yesterday! lost my camera and hardly took any pics. it was ok overall tho. stayed home til about 3 making cds and getting ready then I went to mandas, mer got dropped off by her mom bc pres was being a dick and decided not to go or drive there. then dave from LC met up with us and we all ate at red robin! it was soo good, and hilarious. haha those girls crack me up =) thennn we went to claire's and drank a little bit and then went to some girls party who's friends with claire alicia and all of them. it was fun! beer pong, cards, etc. I was so drunk haha I drank 2 jooses and like ruined my white dress with the red kind and also with grass stains and dirt bc i took a rolling tumble into the bushes hahaha. I had soo much fun!! clay, from me manda and charlie's 930 w. franklin house, paid a cab to pick me up. me and dave stayed there. he tried so hard to make out and shit buttt i didnt go for it and we just cuddled. it was pretty nice =) didnt go to sleep til like 6am and then ran into ron on the way out to get my car and ended up gettin extra food and trash outta the apt w/ clay and kevin's help. dave didnt even go to his army reserve thing so I hope he doesn't get demoted or kicked out or whatever. andd so yeah I worked today and now I'm exhausted. My life kinda sucks but things are slowly getting better since both alex and chris have been outta my life. It's for the best even tho it's hard sometimes and I'm lonely and sad pretty often. I want to be strong and focus on myself and all that bullshit. OH yeah, I got my hair done completely diff this week, cut pretty short with side bangs, dark all over and purple streaks in the bottom 1/2 =)) I like it a lot
Monday, May 26th, 2008
10:45 pm	memorial day weekend this memorial day weekend has been the best I can remember! friday, alex and I went to lynchburg for dave's party. I had a lot of fun and got compleeetely hammered, played some beer pong and made more shots than alex! =) on the way back though alex was driving bc I was so tired and sick feeling and he got a speeding ticket, 78 in a 60 on 460 where i used to go like 100 mph and never saw any cops. we forgot it was memorial day weekend tho! but it was pretty funny alex was SO nervous omg the cop could smell alcohol and we'd just smoked a bowl a few mins before that. anyway then we slept for a few hours at home before we went to amanda's dad's house out on ballsville for a cookout. it was good food, even got to drink some corona! we were gonna go in the hot tub but then amanda got a call and we had to go to the funeral home bc a lady in her family died. got there late and ended up just meeting manda and gerard at the apt. had sex in kel's bed real quick lol then got ready and hung out with jessica and logan. jeff and mary stopped by too. we hung out at gerard's for awhile then went back to manda's and ate leftover cookout food and passed out. worked the next morning then me alex gma anita james aunt em eric geo & his gf went to a cookout/pool party at the payne's. tabitha was all stuck up her new bf's butt tho and didnt talk much, but susie made up for her lol. that night I went to nc with alex and had dinner at his house. I finally got to see his mom's bees! they're crazy omg sooo many!! the food was really good, jody cooked on the grill. and jo is so funny, she got me to watch a movie with her but told me everything that happens right before it happened. I wanted to stay so badly, they got all this wood and were gonna have a bonfire and roast marshmallows. but, gma told me i had to be at work at either 5:45 or 7 am so I drove all the way back home. I slept thru my alarm but got there at 7 and amy was already there so i thought everything was good, until she got all pissed off that she'd have to split tips and called gma sayin it was bullshit. so I left nc for nothing and ended up just sleeping this morning. thennn I went to cara's, smoked a little, and laid out at her pool. picked up some film at walgreens, reallly good pics! I realized me and alex take too many pics lol. but I love pics of him. at home we had a cookout, anita hooked that shit UP. then I played outside with gavin in the hose in our bathing suits! ate some watermelon on the back deck with the fam and then watched some wheel of fortune! so yeah I had a lot of fun this weekend, ate at 4 cookouts! and I love alex a lot! the long distance thing isn't that bad, we actually see each other more than we did when he lived here. and the sex is really good!
Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
2:51 pm	alex and me <3 as of yesterday, may 12th (anita's birthday), me and alex are officially together! I have mixed feelings about it. I wanted it to be official, I know we were already together without the label but I just wanted the label for some reason. I really think I'm falling in love with him. But at the same time, my heart is conflicted bc I'm still in love with chris and I'm thinkin mayyybe just maybe this was all too soon with alex, but really it's not bc I'm not getting over chris in a day, like it's gonna take forever anyway so I might as well not wait. and alex makes me verrrry happy, his letter was so cute - he stuck it in my pillow sunday morning and I found it yesterday afternoon while I was on the phone with him. I stayed with him at his house in North Carolina sunday night. It was fun, Jo showed me her card box with cards from people, some of the cards were about her dad dying =( watched tv sittin on the couch with his mom, jo, and him. fucked in his bed =) that was my favorite part, he came for the first time since we started having sex thursday night. the first couple times were extreeeemely painful, like he had to end up taking out his piercing. but once he did that it felt so fucking good. he has a big dick =) I like it a lot. I like him a lot, love him a lot. chris can get a life bc he keeps doing fucked up stuff like inviting ashley to a radiohead concert with him last fri after he told me I'd be the only girl he'd take - but I was having a party fri, which was a lot of fun!! alex and I were fighting at the end bc eli told me he wanted to kiss me on the lips and then james came up to me and was like alex is all upset and thinks your hung up on what eli said so I started flipping out bc like...of course not. of course I just care about alex and am only hung up on him which really is true, i mean it was crazy hearing what eli told me, esp. since he's one of my friends older bros i've known forever, but its not like i was thinkin ooooh baby I wanna kiss eli now. but we made up pretty quick and it's all good =) I love alex. and chris.
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
4:07 pm	alex so I went to a cookout last night at alex's and met his mom and little sister. hung out with pat annette jessie emily jo alex and his parents. it was pretty fun I played with the little girls a lot lol jumped on the trampoline and drew pictures and stuff they were hilarious. they were so cute, hugging me and sitting on my lap and stuff. alex's parents are alright, not too talkative but they're pretty cool I guess. then alex and I came home around 10:45 and watched a movie with anita and james then cuddled and made out all night - I gave him head for the first time! It was different with his dick piercing but I liked it! I can't wait to have sex with him oh my god!! we wanted to fuck so bad last night but I thought I was still on my period, didnt find out til the next morn when I took out my tampon that I wasn't bleeding anymore! =/ oh well it's prob for the best anyway. the longer we wait, the better! it's seriously gonna be so good i can tell already, plus the build up is gonna make it even better. I can only imagine lol. I really like him and sometimes I really do feel like I could fall in love with him. he's the hottest guy ever and so good at everything he does to me! he gave me a massage with this body oil that makes your muscles feel better and I fell asleep afterwards. the next mornin he told me I fell asleep first and I was like "you shoulda woken me up and kissed me goodnight" and he said he told me goodnight babe and kissed me on the forehead goodnight =) so yeah I like him a lot. we talked about us last night, i asked him what he wants and he said he just wants me and I asked him if he wants something serious and he said he does but we decided to just keep things like they are for awhile. it's perfect like this, we don't need to label stuff. we're pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend without the titles. Sometimes I feel like I just wanna be single for a long time, I really need to figure everything out. but waking up naked in bed with alex this morning was so great! he's so fucking sexy, even his name is sexy, and has a nice dick to top it all off. =) he's funny too. and sweet. I just like him a lot, and hearing him say I almost love you or I love you...almost. I just dropped him off less than an hour ago and already I wanna talk to him.
Monday, April 28th, 2008
5:52 am	boys and indians I feel like I fucked up, like I knew all guys are dicks and if I broke up with chris I'd just be trading him for another asshole but for some reason I forgot about that when I started talking to alex. he talked to me like I was stupid and he was realllly sick but still that's not an excuse. I hung up on him first when he told me I talked like a nigger bc I say drank not drink and then the 2nd time i hung up bc after I told him I didnt understand what he meant, he started laughing and i was like "whats so funny?" so he said "I mean I dont see how anything I said was that confusing" and it made me feel dumb so i said shut up and closed the phone. then later when i called he had turned his phone off and it's still off now. and chris is an asshole, i've talked to him some tonight but right now my phone is off bc he pissed me off, he told me about how he tells his shrink that I make him feel like a piece of shit everytime he talks to me lately and how his shrink was trying to get him to think differently about it, so fuck him dont fucking talk to me if its that bad. fuck every single guy they're all pieces of shit and I wish they'd go somewhere. my grandparents are selling out. the store is about to be leased to some ppl from india come may...3 days away...I think. I am going to hate it. fuck an indian. anita is tellin ppl like oh well every place is run by indians nowadays so it's not a big deal, but the thing is is that everywhere BUT FRISBY'S is run by indians and thats why we are so much better, but thats about to change. it's gonna fucking blow. im pretty sure I got my last free pack of cigarettes this mornin. blehhhh. fucking shoot me in the head I hate life.
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
2:35 am	chris' myspace blogs He's really sad and I feel bad like it's all my fault. but he's hanging out with friends and girls so fuck him, he'll be just fine. Thursday, April 24, 2008 it’s done Current mood: romantic We shouldnt have gotten back together As much as I feel bad for him....I feel bad for myself. Giving in like that, going against what I'm about. Just so your friends can know, and work to pull us apart again. Maybe you were right, and she is perfect for me? I couldnt come up with any reasons why not, but I'm sure she could... all I want right now...it's really hard to say I dont need a relationship or sex... I need someone to hold, somebody to care about, someone to wake up with each morning, someone who can relate to me, understand me and the way I feel. Then I could feel normal again Get the fuck on with my life, because it's hard to give so much and not get anything in return... At least I was so close to being done with this... but I gave in...i couldnt resist your offer and now...i'm back to square one fortunatly you've moved on...so maybe I can I just need to find her, or at least show her who I am because we are done now...again no lunch time visits for sex, no more telling each other how we felt 21 Apr 2008 She’s Waiting Current mood: confused She's waiting for me to live She's waiting for me to give her a sign and there's nothing that i'd rather do than give the right signs back to you She's waiting for me to try She's waiting for me to come alive and there's nothing that i'd rather do than come alive for you She's waiting for me to dance She's waiting for me to answer her and there's nothing that i'd rather do than romance the hell out of you She's waiting for me to smile She's waiting for me to walk down the aisle and that's something I just cant do, until I know that I'm right for you 09 Apr 2008 We’re not happy Current mood: empty What is doing this to me? Is there some sort of fucked up explanation for all of this? I highly doubt it. Why are they here this time? Simply to take? or to make better? To use? or to provide? We do this to ourselves. all of the pain, the torment inside our heads. We’re not happy...so few are What would it take to bring joy to a room? To simply walk in, be yourself.. for some it’s not enough...this is what plauges our minds, haunts our dreams...and makes our reality a nightmare How can someone be so timid...it’s sick So demented, yet so calm... someones thoughts are so entangled with your image Someone so unsure of reality, where your subconcious completely takes over and leaves them with a blurred vison of the truth distorted thoughts, mixed feelings, and emptiness When all you want is a solid answer, but all you get are questions...doing everything in your power to hold on, when you cant escape your mind where do you run? When you are the only one who can help, but you are motionless... dont breathe...dont blink...until you drop Only then are we free
12:55 am	alex and chris okay so! life is crazy. chris and I have been broken up since the end of february, shit hit the fan on our 8 month anniversary/valentine's day. now I'm pretty much with alex I like him so much and even think I could fall in love with him sometimes, especially when we're laying together kissing cuddling looking into each others eyes and allll that kinda stuff. he's a good person, I can tell. I know just like all other people he's capable of being an asshole and fucking me over but I still just kinda trust myself with him since I can tell he has a good heart. like in the things he does, the way he acts, the things he says and all that. my grandma doesnt know him all that well but even she said that she can tell he has a "sweet soul". me and chris were very happy and in love for awhile but at the end he made me upset more than happy - that's when things needed to change. alex definitely makes me happy more than he makes me sad, but I totally see how that can change and things can go sour after awhile since that's what happened with chris when I never thought it would, at least not the way it did and not so soon (even tho it felt like we were together for MUCH longer than 8 months). last night was the 1st time I really opened up to alex about whats going on in my head. we were at manda's w/ her gerard jeff mary and chris from chester, all drinkin some beer, and after I made out with alex I started feeling guilty. like I felt bad for doing that to chris. but we're over and in my heart I know that it's better off that way, at least for now. he's just not a good person, not someone I want in my life. so I talked to mary and amanda about feeling guilty, they told me not to & said some other stuff then I went into kelley's room (she was gone for the night) and laid in bed. I started crying thinking about everything and about how alex won't love me like chris did and I'm fat and have bumps and hair problems. and that alex will eventually see all that and not want to be with me. and of course that's a possibility, but alex made me feel like it wasn't. he was so sweet and was saying "will you just talk to me" and stuff bc he knew i was crying and upset. he told me to not even think like that and stuff and just really made me feel better. im so glad bc if he wasn't there I'm sure I woulda just kept thinkin the worst things possible and cried more and more. he comforted me =) today we went to gerard's rugby game and it was hot as hellll. today really was like a summer day. we ate at mojo's after his game, gerard manda caitlin (manda's cuz) and her new bf then at the end mary and jeff showed up. alex and I laid down for awhile in kelley's bed with the fan on, it felt soo good after it bein so hot outside, and cuddled etc. he fingers me better than any other guy I know. sex with him is going to be amazing, I can definitely tell. I told him today that we'd have to wait like 2 more weeks bc I said a month a few weeks ago and then said I couldn't fuck him unless he was my boyfriend. I think it's clear after last night that I'm not ready for another relationship just yet, but I'm getting closer day by day and really I don't think I'll ever be totally ok with me and chris' breakup anyway so fuck it. I want to wait tho bc I figured the longer I have to work shit out before me and alex officially start dating, the better. but we're pretty much together anyway - we don't see other people and talk all the time and when we hang out it's like we're TOGETHER together. we held hands a lot last night and today and told each other "I almost love you"...I just remembered that me and chris used to say that. and so me and chris didnt rush into stuff at first but I think since our relationship was so intense and we were SO fucking in love, the serious part messed us up. with alex I feel like if we keeps things the way they are, like not trying to get married or talk about having kids together (also like thinking we wont ever get married and knowing that we're diff. and not "perfect" helps me a lot) we'll be ok. I don't want the really serious stuff, but at the same time I do want us to be serious about each other meaning we wont date other ppl and that we'll be really caring and affectionate towards each other like we are now. I guess I just don't want the intensity. but chris fucked with my head a little, I'm not as confident and I could use a little boost in my self-esteem. I'm working on it. Sometimes I feel like alex is so hot and I am embarrassed about my bumps and my fat, but even tho I dont know why he thinks I'm so hot I'm gonna do my best to take james' advice and just take it for what it is, like i dont have to understand why alex thinks im hot i should just accept it and go with it. and I need to just do my best to forget chris, I obviously can't get over it by thinking about it and it's like I didn't realize that before today for some reason. all the bad things make me so depressed, and I'd say I just need to forget those parts, but I also shouldn't think about the happy times either bc it makes me so sad to have lost that, we both ruined everything. a lot of stuff happened between us, we have too much history. I was reading this journal and it was so crazy thinkin about those times with chris, like the "nothing came out" night. gosh. also crazy readin about kevin, he honestly was a big part of my life. but now I'm ok with him being gone, and all I can hope is that it'll be like that with chris someday too, but I think it'd be way diff. since I am so much more in love with chris than I was with kevin. chris really was my first true love and I'll never forget, but I want to so bad and I hope I can just push it to the back of my mind. even now tho, when I'll start thinkin about a guy for some reason kevin's name will immediately pop into my head and I'll have to say "no, alex. thats who I wanna make out with" bc I really dont want to make out with kevin anymore. it'd be so weird, just like it was when I made out and had sex with chris at the beginning of the week - something that wont happen again, or not anytime soon after I read all the mean things he wrote about me and my "crazy family" to cara and saw how he took me off his top friends on facebook and put ashley c sarah giles and sarah goodin so they "wouldnt know we were talking again", always putting his friends first, it made me remember who he is even tho I don't know HOW i started forgetting. we just both wanted to be happy together again like in the beginning i guess. I really really really like alex. taking him home after we left amanda's, it started raining hardcore but lightened up while we were at his house, perfect for kissing =) it really has felt like a summer day and night and school should be over when it is, like idk how they are keeping the high schoolers in til mid-june. college is so much better. I love getting out so early and the breaks and all that. UPDATE: I smoke cigarrettes just as I predicted I would once I transferred to VCU, I'm supposed to move in with manda this summer and even tho at first I was a little unsure about it I'M SO EXCITED NOW, grandma and grandpa got a new car like my new 2008 ford focus except it's a 2 door, anita james and gavin live here now, and alex is making me a bong! grandma and grandpa are going to hawaii in a week and a half and I'm throwin down!! can't fucking wait I love life so excited about summer, minus the ridiculous heat
Thursday, September 20th, 2007
10:40 pm	yesterday was my 18th birthday! can't believe it. but I don't really care about any of the stuff I can legally do now, other than vote. I wanna go to a club, but I doubt I'll go often. I don't know, I guess there will be some advantages! Chris kinda pissed me off - he didn't act all nice like he does every other day. Oh well! I had a great time! Bedford with my g-rents and amy then people over my dorm that night to drink and eat domino's. Then we walked these two girls back to their dorms and played frisby on shellenberger with these guys who had a light up frisby til chris came! jennie slept with delaney so we had the room to ourselves, but he pissed me off so we just went straight to sleep pretty much anyway. We stayed in bed til 2:30 the next day tho and had plenty of sex to make up for it! =) I missed my classes tho. Oh well, it was worth it. I had an amazing day and this weekend is gonna be great, too! No family at the house (g-rents goin to pennsylvania and amy & mom at carlos') so I'm having a bday party and inviting a lot of ppl. Then all day sat and sunday morn i gotta work til gavin and I have our joint bday party at the house when gma and gpa get back sunday afternoon! I'm gonna spend the night at chris' new apt sunday night! Can't wait, this week is gonna be incredible once it's over!
Thursday, September 13th, 2007
11:04 pm	liiffeee I love college! I realized today how beautiful my school really is.  It's such a nice school. I LOOVVEEE christopher, too! our 3 month anniversary is tmw and I can't believe it's already been this long - I've never had a serious relationship or a relationship that has lasted this long! it's amazing. I am soo in love with him and want to marry him and have kids and and everyyytthiinnggg! He got me a heart shaped porcelain music box that plays "love me tender" I guess since he knows I love music boxes and ELVIS. He also gave the Green Party 36 $$ for me so that I can have one of the gp cards! so excited! He is perfect for me. The first club field hockey practice was last night and I'm so glad to be playing again - I realllyyy love playing field hockey.  Also, I went to this modern dance show tonight with the rest of the danceworks company.  The weather has FINALLY been getting a little less intensely hot and humid, it's cooled down a smidgen.  ever since it rained a couple days ago for the first time since I've been here. It was nice and it kinda made me feel at home for some reason.
Friday, July 20th, 2007
1:14 am	greece I had the best day everrr today! we went to the greek islands of aegina, hydra, and poros. at poros we only had like 30 minutes so I got some souveniers, next was hydra and that was amazing we went to the beach, then aegina was last and we ate there because the food we had on the ship was disgusting and we hardly ate any of it - just mainly the bread. we met a man from belgium and his grandson on the ship when they sat with us at lunch - it's interesting to meet so many different people and talk about what your life is like with them, like comparing. so I wanna talk about hydra! we went swimming and jumped off these rock that were the top of this cave and I was very scared at first but after a couple times it wasn't so bad. amanda did it with me but meredith wouldn't for awhile - she finally did once though! I also jumped through this hole in the roof of the cave like the guys hahah. so cool, huh? but i mean... I am. =)hah. It was the time of my life. manda and I were talking as we were in the water after jumping for a picture meredith took of us about how amazingly lucky we are to be 17 and in greece in the beautiful aegean sea. after we had our fill of swimming (we had an hour and a half time limit) we had mango daquiris at this little bar after meredith flipped the fuck out because she was so sure we'd get in trouble. even tho all we had to do was say they were smoothies. although they WERE in alcoholic drink glasses and had sugar around the top hahah =) the ship looked like it was leaving us but it came back, meredith took a picture of it that's why I'm writing it. so then we smoked a cigarette in this other bar/restaurant that was all white inside and beauuuutiful. as we were walking back we stopped at this stand wherever this guy made necklaces that said your name in greek so we all wanted to get one even though we knew we had hardly any time left. meredith went to let them know we might take a couple extra minutes but by the time we got there we were 5 minutes late and they were all flipping out, trying to leave us. whatevvvv. I really didn't care, fuck them. mrs. bowman and her sister were way late to this meeting and they didnt have a word said to them bc they're adults but bc we're young we got bitched at and kept having smart ass remarks said to us. which leads me to Al - Amy and Lindsay - with the looks they give us and the shit matt tells us that they say like lindsay wouldn't take her tye die shirt off and she was pissed off bc under it she had a blue and white striped tank top on that apparently looked like the red and white ones we had on, I guess she though we looked dumb but she honestly didn't need to take it off anyway hahahah =)  last night they put a sticker on our door that said some stupid shit about how we have a secret admirerer pretty much I didnt really read it, but that he's been watching us. they also went around knocking on doors saying room service and running away b/c they're so fucking mature. I know they've been saying shit to mrs. baltimore about us too because she isn't nice anymore. mrs. bradbury's pretty much a bitch too. mrs. harrison is the shit tho and we love her, which is odd since she yelled at manda before we even left the airport for leaving to get some food or something and made her cry hahah. at aegina when we finally found a restaurant we thought looked like it had the most american food we ate there and it was AMAZING. the best food of the whole trip so far for sure! I ordered a cheeseburger with fries and mere & manda got clubs with fries. the food was hot and the ketchup was cold and didn't taste weird, which is a first for this trip. LOVED IT =) manda and I got a lot of sun tho and decided to stay inside the cabin until we got back to athens so we slept on these booths. it was the best sleep of the whole trip!! honestly today has been the best day. I got to talk to chris when we got back then we went shopping at the Plaka wher eI got MORE amazinnnggg jewelry (omg they have the BEST silver jewelry) and some olive oil lotion as well as olive oil massage oil for me and chris to use on each other ; ) meredith has been pissing me the fuck off she's selfish and doesn't give a damn about anybody else but her and preston - the only time she calls her mom is for money and even when manda and I couldnt work our calling cards and all we wanted to do was call home to tell them we made it so they wouldnt worry she told us no that her mom wouldnt put any more mins on and she needed all of them even tho her mom is putting more mins on there since she cried and her mom's giving her all the money she needs. which reminds me, I lost my debit card tonight! and my gma found out i charged 500 $$ before I even left hahah. woops! but I love her so much and she was hilarious on the phone. her and manda's dad are meeting tmw morning to put more money in our bank accounts at 10 am. I miss chris so unbelievably much, it is unbearable. I cannot wait to kiss him and wake up with him in the morning while we kiss and cuddle and just everythinggg. It's so hard to be in a foreign country so different from home without family and especially the love of my life. I really love him. I can't believe how perfect we are together and he is just the greatest guy ever. He makes me feel happy more than sad and that's a first with a guy. It's just kinda weird bc when he tells me I'm beautiful it makes me feel worse about myself and it seems like I was more secure about myself before I met him almost. except not really. I don't know how to explain it. I wrote him a postcard tonight and kissed it with lipstick lips! haha.
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
12:59 pm	I'm just a huge manatee. soo I'm happy =)  I like chris nonell and he makes me smilee=) he's so nice to me. way better than any other guy I've been with. personality is definitely the important thing, not physical stuff. although I have to admit if he was like 200 pounds I don't think I could be with him hahah. but everything has been so slow with him and I'm glad. I couldn't rush into anything after the things I've been through with other guys. it came outta nowhere and I would've never thought this would happen, but it seems like it was meant to be. he makes me happy and that's really all that matters to me. meredith and megan told me to be careful or whatever b/c he sells drugs and I could get in trouble and that his apt. complex is realllly dangerous -- it was on the news for kidnappings and robberies. but that doesn't matter to me. amanda likes him and that helps a lot because I'm glad she supports it or whatever. she even went to the river with us friday and that show, she likes him =)) yesterday afternoon I went over his place and watched a les claypool dvd while laying down because I was tired after waking up early for the greece and italy meeting w/ manda and meredith since we all missed the last one. after that I met megan at the mall and got some mango spray from bath and body works then went back to chris' and ate at burger king with him and mike. I'm glad I stayed over at his apartment last night because I had originally planned to go home. I drove him and his friend steve(?) to the abc store and he got a bottle of bacardi so I got drunk hahah and had a fun night. we planned on going to sleep around 11:30 because I had to wake up super early this morning for my cosmetology state board test, but after I put the moldy peaches song "nothing came out" on we just laid in bed making out (for the first time, all we'd done before was like peck kiss goodbye), cuddling, and talking (oh yeah, we sang too haha) for like two hours with that song on repeat hahah. finally we smoked a bowl and passed out like immediately after.   this morning I was supposed to get on the bus at 8am but the test wasn't til 11 so I just laid in bed and cuddled with chris after I missed the alarm clock. I took my mom and aimee to frisby's and I got a breakfast sandwich then drove to glenside avenue to take the test. I PASSED! it's so crazy, after working for 2 years I finally got my cosmetology license! I just don't know what I'll do with it haha.
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
11:34 pm	there falls no shadow where there shines no sun today was the first official day of summer because I will never have another school class at Powhatan High School again. and it was a great day overall. manda and I got out of bed around noon after a 12 hour night of sleep. we went to belle isle to swim in the algae river and lay out in the pretty sun. after that we ate the most delicious food ever at galaxy and as we were heading to sahara's a guy yelled at us from the sidewalk saying manda c's car had a flat tire. so at the dangerous bp at cary and meadow we were stuck in our river dresses and bathing suits in the parking lot with a completely flat, down-to-the-ground tire. after getting help from a couple interesting black guys that said annoying things and buying a completely useless $5 can of fix-a-flat or whatever like they told us to, amanda was rightfully losing her shit and michael did not come help. luckily, a cop ended up changing the tire for us when he saw amanda crying. brenda and kevin met us as the cop was finishing the tire thing. before we left the bp, we were all talking about it and I said how there falls no shadow where there shines no sun because today was the perfect example of that quote. we had a good time at sahara's with brenda and kevin, we all watched never been kissed after pleasantville got to the boring part. so overall it was an amazing day because you have to take the bad with the good. and I love life =)
Thursday, May 17th, 2007
7:11 pm	senior prom! plus other stuff ahhh so!! it's crazzzyyy that's all I can really say. Friday was my senior prom and once this week is over (today is thursday) I'll only have two 4 day weeks of high school EVER left. plus yesterday megan and I had our senior skip day since we didn't know about it on monday. but on monday I went to the post office to try and get my passport then to the bank with grandma to open a checking account and get a debit card so I didn't get to school til like 12:45 by the time we picked up my car from the body shop (all fixed! no dents!) and ate at frisby's.  then also today I didn't go to school til around 12:25 b/c gma and I had to go to the chesterfield post office in order to get my passport expedited since we're down to the last couple months before my trip AND put my car in the shop to get it checked since the check engine light came on like two weeks ago. but they don't think anything is really wrong with it, it could be two diff. things so if the light comes back on they'll know what it is pretty much.  so I haven't  gone to school much this week anyway. I'm so ready to leave but then again I'm not. High school is great, I was talking about it last night with megan. we don't have bills and lots of worries - I mean the classes aren't hard and if we want to we can skip. but then again I stress out about getting caught skipping or big projects that I HATE doing and lots of times I just don't want to do any work at all.  and then there's always some friend or guy bullshit. yeah so my "best friends" have all done fucked up things and I've learned to never put things you wouldn't think people would do past your best friend just because yall are so close and trust each other. I could give tons of examples but the most recent is amanda cook lying over the past couple months about my $40 urban decay eyeshadow. I left it in her car and she kept lying saying she didnt have it then wore it to school but I didn't think it could be mine then FINALLY after a lonnng ass time I found out it in her makeup bag at her show choir show. I never went to a single one bc show choir is gay and I didn't want to and b/c other stuff came up, but since it was her last one ever I went on tuesday night. I drove all the way from church (john callaway was playing & there was food/milkshakes,etc.) to see her and when they all were going on stage I stayed back to look at prom pictures but when I was putting them in her purse I saw her makeup bag and decided to look in it since the colors on her eyes looked a lot like my eyeshadow and BAM it was there. bittcchhhh k so I just talked to meredith on the phone about it and she thinks I should confront her. but maybe she's sick bc her mom picked her up today as I was getting out the car to go in so I'll just wait probably, I don't know. Prom Night haha so much fun. to start with, meredith and amanda met at my house around 7:45 am so we could all drive together to the senior cap&gown photo and brunch. it was fun with everyone dressed up and we laughed a lot. during the picture I just kept thinking about the other cap and gown pics I've seen and how it's weird that I was going through what they all went through and how it's different when you're actually doing it.  time out: I just got off the phone with my mom and her and aimee are leaving the hospital -- virgil was really sick and on life support so they went up there to like get closure or whatever but it ended up that amy was the closest kin to him and she had the say so she pulled the plug! crazy. so weird. I almost wanted to go up there since it's weird my sisters have a dad and I've only seen him once (as far as I remember) but it's really a good thing because he was a terrible person. even when I saw him, he and his wife/gf and her daughter came into eat at frisby's and I waited on them, I REALLY regretted and still to this day regret being so nice to him b/c I'm nice to everyone when I work but he didn't deserve it. I didn't really know who he was. and then later when I found out anita said if she came out there she'd have cut him with the knife she had since she was cooking that was what really made me regret it. I'd have said something to him if I'd known and but maybe it's a good thing I didn't I'm not sure. okay back to PROM: mereidth, amanda, amanda bare, kelley regan and I ate at chik-fil-a after senior superlatives were announced(btw meredith and I got ROBBED - the best friends award went to kimberly siemens and some other girl I can't remember her name something spicer maybe sarah ANYWAY the point is WHO knew they were even friends it's bullshit mere and I have been friends since first grade screw them) and we got prom tickets. then I got my stuff and drove the explorer (car was in shop) to get my hair done at shear dimensions by tabitha and I liked it a lot afterall even tho I worried a lot and hated how she was doing it at first but couldnt speak up. then I drove around for an hour trying to find stoney point and almost cried but it was alright bc she wasnt ready to do my makeup when I got to MAC anyway which I figured would happen. manda, ashley griffin, kelley r and kelly stokes all got their makeup done there, too. and that annoying diana tranum bitch. so yeah! I loved my makeup tho, I wanted it all crazy so she did pink and purple eyeshadow then green on the inner corners of my eyes and teal eyeliner with pretty long fake eyelashes. and pretty pink lips. soo pretty. lol I could've been in "pretty in pink". but yeahh then I went home with only 30 mins til I had to be at the school for the limo and NO ONE was home! I called my grandma after I saw a note from my mom about the corsage&boutinerre. my grandparents were still at the hospital for aimee since her other surgery for the infection or whatever and tears just started pouring mainly because I had no one there to see me and I felt so pretty and it was just so sad we weren't gonna takes pic but also b/c gma told me aimee could die any minute!! she had staph infection and an absess(?) so if she didn't die she could've been paralyzed like this guy I met at a party with my sisters in 8th grade. so I was just flipping out and called amanda but she helped me no to cry b/c I was messing up my makeup. then my uncle called me saying they'd come over and help me tie my dress (my gma had called them I guess) but since I didn't have time he said they'd meet me at frisby's since I'd planned to show anita my dress and get some pictures taken. when I got there aunt emily, georgie, and sharon helped tie the back of my dress b/c it's really hard to do and I took a bunch of pictures! so then I was in a little bit of a better mood once I got to the high school and everyone was already there, luckily I was only 5 mins late tho. dinner was a disaster since we were late (even tho we'd told them we would be when we made the reservations and called on the way there) and they gave our table up so we had to sit OUTSIDE in the HEAT where we were all sweating and it suckkkeeddd big time. they were all stuck up and laughed and made little comments tho so we left even tho our waiter turned out to be really cool. it was kinda weird tho bc like the whole restaurant was looking at us the whole time.  before we left we took pictures though. we ended up at arby's b/c we didn't wanna risk being late even tho I didn't really want to at all. megan's dad and lisa took pics of us at sunday park then her mom and sisters were at arby's and took pics haha it was like a family dinner almost! =)  at least we got to take a shot of steph's ice 101 in the bathroom then on the drive back we all took swigs from my mini water bottle filled with vodka since no one else brought any for the ride since the driver wouldn't let us put up the window, he said he all had to be 21. we broke a champagne glass too on the ride back! we had filled them with ginger ale and took pictures on the way there hahah. but so once we got back I realized I LOST the tickets and megan and spencer rode with me to my house but they weren't there. later, meredith called me and said they were in her explorer. oh welll they let me in anyway! my grandparents were home and I was really happy we got to take pictures together and that they saw me! so then we got another amp from frisby's and talked to megan's dad bill and dwayna before we drove to flint hill so we could drink some more. it was funnn and even tho we missed the senior walk-in, I wouldn't have wanted to be there sober.  I mean I did the senior walk-in thing with matt kenney last year anyway.  but yeah, I danced the night away lol and made an ass outta myself but I don't regret a thing.  I've gotten over the embarrassment and I loved my senior prom.  honestly, I'd rather get drunk and make an ass outta myself while having an AWESOME time and not wanting to leave than be sober and have a terrible time wanting to leave early like other people, amanda cook in particular.  we took a ton of pictures that I don't remember taking very well and even tho I look drunk in them lol I'm really glad I was drunk and got pictures with sooo many diff ppl so I'll remember those people, since most of my high school pics are all with the same friends.  megan finally dragged me outta there at 11:30 after waiting in the car for me for about 45 mins she said but probably only 15 mins. really haha she exaggerates.  oh and she'd carried my purse and shoes around for me all night so I wouldn't lose them and the minute she gave them to me I lost them haha. at least I found my clutch eventually at lewis'. the shoes were left at prom tho.  I didn't wanna leave charlie, his date, and connor (my date) - OH btw they missed dinner and pictures bc of being late and then we left and they went somewhere else to eat phones were breaking up and it was just a bunch of like... confusion  - because they were dancin crazy and for the first time that night I had people who wanted to dance crazy with me and not be all uptight like everyone else! they weren't even drunk either haha. charlie was all jumpin up and down it was funnnyyyy. after prom stephen jett from youth group went with me and megan to lewis gresheimer's (even tho I don't like him, he was having a party so we went) b/c he and his g/f had broken up before and during the dance she decided to tell him she didn't love him like she used to.  at the party megan was bein a bitch from drinkin and I was just bein real dumb from drinkin so she drove me and stephen to frisby's after I called a million different  numbers tryin to reach my sister. lol I couldn't remember her number 386-5148 and was asking ppl if they knew it even tho I definitely know it sober.  I didn't like the party and wanted to leave even tho I don't entirely remember why. I guess bc most everyone of those ppl were whitetrash or druggies! hah. anyway the bar was a lot of fun, everyone was super nice sayin how pretty I looked and we all took pictures and I kept drinkin so by the time stephen and I got back to my house at like 4:30 am I was still drunk and we had some deep conversations. time out: update on virgil - grandma and grandpa just got home and they said they'd gone to the hospital and they were all in the room when the plug was pulled. weird. still kinda wished I'd been there. even my aunt and uncle were there. even tho I didn't know him and it seems silly... I kinda wish I'd been there. I mean, he's my sisters' father. the next morning I was hungover and couldn't make it to my field hockey game, but no other seniors did either so it wasn't that big of a deal.
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
11:33 pm	NIGHT BEFORE SENIOR PROM BABBYYY night before senior prom and I'm soo excited =) tmw morning is the senior breakfast and picture! can't believe it's actually here. I'm gonna remember it for the rest of my lifffeee. like senior proms are the basis of lots of movies. andddd um I am still not sure about my hair!! 1/2 up&down or UP? hmmm but I got my license back TUESDAY! it is so awesome. it seems like the 6 months went by really quick and I'mm too tired to write anymore. lattteeerrr
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
8:43 pm	Lately, everyone has been talking about how I'll miss high school when I get out. at frisby's the guys at the round table were tellin me again last night. I'm sure I will. but whatever this year has sucked and I'm ready to leave. I registered for FH camp at harvard yesterday and also ordered a new stick. I'm very excited but kind of scared I won't be good enough for the team and definitely not as good as the other girls at camp. I don't care I think I'm good and I'll just try my best since that's all I can do =) and I love playing field hockey. I've been thinking about what amanda cook said to me a couple weeks ago when I told her I'd have to come to LC early for preseason if I tried out and I wouldn't want to do that and she said "yeah I don't think you should I mean unless you're like really hardcore field hockey" so I was like yeah nooo I'm not but lately I've been excited about it and I mean I lovvveee field hockey I have so much fun playing so why not try and go as far with it as I can? if it's too intense for me I can always just play club. I bought a 200 $$ stick!! ahh expensive I know but it's soooo sweet omg. I've been getting yellow earrings and ribbons lately and I just like the color more now and it just so happens that my stick is gonna be yellow and like silver/gray. plus I ordered pink stick tape!! so cute <3 OOhhhh I just read my horoscope. crazzzyy "If your life has been upset recently by an unpredictable turn of events, then it's time to start rebuilding the stability you need. Your fantasies are an important source of inspiration as they feed you with important clues for the future. Don't sell yourself short; go for the dreams with the brightest colors and the most magic." meant to be baby
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
10:33 pm	and again and again my life the weather today was amazing.  it was a summer day on april 23rd. probably a result of global warming, but hey I'll take it.  I had to work and I hate working everytime, but when I get off it's kinda weird. right after I get off work I am happy and I like the satisfaction I guess you'd say that comes from working. I like working as I drive home. mostly because of the money. it reminds me of the nights during summer when I'd work a friday night in a jean miniskirt, go to the movie store with all the ones I forgot to cash in and have the windows down as I drove home listening to a good cd. tonight I listened to the rolling stones - wildhorses&&beast of burden. and I was happppyyyy. more than earlier, b/c work was getting me down. sometimes I like socializing with ppl even if I'm a little fake but it's like, tonight I just HATED it. a lot of that had to do with kevin not being in the kitchen. haha you know that phrase -"keep it real" ? well that's gay but it kind of pertains to this situation. I have to fake laughs and say things I don't mean, i.e. be completely fake, when I'm a waitress. it honestly is like acting. so when I come in the kitchen I want to be able to talk about stuff that happens out front or just anything I can give my honest opinion about. kevin would help "keep it real" hah when we talked and it helped a lot. whenever I had bad customers or anything really that I wanted to vent about, I'd explain it all to kevin and he'd talk to me about it. I knew he was really listening and he cared (or at least acted like it), his feedback kinda helped me along through the sucky nights waitressing. I miss that and I'm not sure if I really miss how things were - I mean I DO but those times were different. that's all I'll say. drinking, being dumb, hoarding silverware in my trunk, not doing the drawer, etc. ok so I lied, I did say more =) but anywayyyy I guess the worst part about kevin leaving was being able to talk to him. and I knew it would be hard not having him there to talk to the night after he was fired when I spent the night over john wright's with him. we were telling john how much we talked, about how we talked about everything. and that's a great thing to find in life - a person you can really talk to about anything. I don't really have that now. like I can talk to my friends but it's not the same at all. I got Dan to talk more tonight. I liked it when he said stuff joking around and made me laugh b/c typically I feel like I talk and I'm sure he does listen - I know he does - but it's like he's not all there and I don't really feel like I'm being heard b/c he doesn't give me any feedback at all. when my gma ate lunch with this whacko druggie/alcoholic turned jesus freak and had him tell me why praying is important (but he really didn't at all - he just told me about how if you do what God wants b/c God is jealous and wants you to worship him and not focus on other stuff in life, then he will give you a happy life. WHATEVER I prayed for the va tech ppl I just didn't wanna go to the hour long prayer service wed. at my church and honestly, I'm not so sure about praying if God has a plan and is gonna act according to that plan why would I pray asking him to heal someone. for many years I haven't prayed and life goes on. I don't know. so anyway then after he talked to me and pissed me off, I wanted to talk to dan like I used to talk to kevin but when I told him about it he didn't even really say anything and I don't think I really got my point across. whatever, I think with time dan's personality will show more and he'll start conversations. I hope. haha he does stuff for me a lot at work and I'm glad but I feel kinda bad. he did the salad bar for me tonight when I offered him $10 and told him he'd get to talk to me more haha but when I tried to give him the $$ he wouldn't take it. I told him a few times to take it but didn't try TOO hard to make him take it b/c honestly I need $$ for concert tickets and all this other stuff I want. oh well. I got dan's # tonight lol so I can text him. my family tells me he has a huge crush on me all the time but he doesn't act like it and I don't like him like that but I like trying to talk to him and prying stuff out of him. although sometimes I do get sick of it and wish he would just open up to me. it's frustrating sometimes. I just read this journal entry and it's so crazy how things change ohhh my gosh. like back then I wouldn't have seen this coming. back when dan first started working at frisby's and I was head over heels for kevin. we would make out while making sure dan (who was on the other side of the kitchen washing dishes) didn't see us. to think if I'd read this back then. I wouldn't have guessed this is how it would turn out - but maybe I would have? I always knew kevin would leave sometime, I just didn't know when and what would happen. I hate dealing with kevin leaving, I hated it that first friday night I realized he would be fired and never work with me again before I even knew he was going to be fired. I wanted to cry that night even though I wasn't sure if he'd be fired, I just knew it. I remember I was so depressed that night. But while it happened it really wasn't as bad as I thought maybe. It feels worse now dealing with it, now that I started working again and realize how sad it is w/o kevin. when I would look forward all day at school to see him right afterwards at frisby's and he knew me and my friends or just me would be coming at that time and he'd have the door open and look out. those first hugs when I would be so excited. those amazing kisses. the times he'd catch me when I'd run and jump and the times he'd ask me to but I wouldn't. the many days he made everything better and the few days he made everything worse. the times it got to the point where we'd be comfortable kissing anywhere or at anytime, like when I was on the phone w/ my gma and she'd just talked to kevin and then I was talking to her again and kevin sat down at the table against the wall to the kitchen by the swinging door and I came up to him and we kissed while I was on the phone with her. that moment was the one I loved. I thought about him when it was hot and I stood in front of the a/c machine for a couple seconds. in the summer -the 5th and last summer I knew kevin- the ac was always frozen or broken and I was burning up and sweating so I'd stand in front of the ac machine and he'd be right there talking to me. It's like all the images in my mind of kevin in the kitchen are ingrained in my head and I never thought about that until tonight. I could've looked over and pictured him standing there smiling and talking to me. and it would've felt so real. and I never think about that so it's all coming out at once and when I look back at this I might think wowww I was crazy but really... kevin has just been one of those really influential people in my life. outside of my family, meredith and kevin have been there the most and influenced me the most while I've grown up. If I ever told kevin anything, it wouldn't be that I didn't say stuff to people about us like what monica said, even though I mean really TECHNICALLLY andrew turley was my first. If I saw kevin and talked to him, I wish I could just tell him some of the stuff I've written here. that I just miss talking to him. to be honest I miss kissing&hugging guys liek crazy since it's been so long - since new year's - but I can't really say that's what I miss about kevin. it seems weird to type that since I loved doing anything that involved physical contact with him =) haha it's just that I miss having him there to connect with. we would know what each other was thinking and were really in tune, I guess you'd say, with each other. and I'm glad I finally wrote about all of this. sometimes I feel like I wouldn't care if I died. like I don't care about living anymore. not to say I don't look forward to things - I want to go to college, get married, have a baby, and experience all the things people should live long enough to experience. but I still think it'd be okay if I die soon. Maybe I'll be that person in my class that dies since we haven't had any deaths yet. knock on wood. I wouldn't want my family to have to deal with my death, so for that reason I hope I don't die anytime soon. "I live for those moments where I'm so happy I think I could die right then"
Thursday, April 19th, 2007
10:08 pm	whad up, b. well I'm happierrrrr! =) I feel like things are going better. and to top it all off, today was a great day friendswise. amanda came over after the tanning bed then steph called and asked to come over so then we took aimee to frisby's and went in town to the wig shop (extensions for prom&steph and manda tried on wigs haha), kmart garden section(steph&me when manda left us), barnes&noble where steph was dancin on me so I jumped on her back but we both fell on the rain gutter thing and got hurt hahaha steph had a bloooddddyyy toe ew gross and didn't wash it off blood just dripped down the side of her toe, then michael's where I got scrapbook paper and manda got ribbon for the hokies day tmw to remember the tragedy at va tech monday. sooo sad all those kids died-33- and lots of others injured =((( it was fun, like old times. when steph would say ridiculously stupid things and manda and I would look at each other like wtf and laughghgh then before I got out of the car we listened to the "lo-o-o-ove, never knew what I was missin' but I knew once we started kissin'... blah blah" and belted/screamed the whole song like amanda reminded me we had in frisby's parking lot a while back (summer?I think). I felt like I had friends again bc it felt like I didn't for awhile. I mean I know I did but it wasn't the same as last year - last year was so great - and it was sad bc all of us girls never hang out anymore and we won't, I know. we can't anymore; too many fights and boyfriends.  but I schlovvve my life, sorta =) tmw is 420. me and manda bought a 10 bag tuesday so that will be put to good use. funnnn
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
9:11 pm	I feel like I'm losing it lately and I don't know what to do. I almost think I'm going crazy. my sister makes me want to do things I'd regret really badly and it's so hard not to do those things. I want to break stuff or do drugs or cut myself... but I don't. or just scream. I screamed so much yesterday that my throat was sore when I woke up. I threw a bunch of shit then broke my phone. it wasn't worth it. but I didn't cut myself and I'm happy about that. I have too many scars I'm afraid people will see. it sucks with summer coming up people might ask me what happened. I already know what I'll say about the scars on my legs but the ones on my upper arms are obvious and I don't know if I could come up with an excuse for them. The last thing I want is for people to look at me like a weird girl who cuts herself like I thought about Claire when I saw her scars on her arms at field hockey. I asked her what happened and all she said was nothing. I don't want to say nothing, people would immediately figure it out like I did. I try not to but I still regret a lot of things about those drunk nights and stupid as shit times with guys that left me with ugllyyy scars I try to hide. I haven't been overall happy lately. I feel like I don't have good friends and I don't know what to do to make guys like me. then everything with my sister and mom driving me nuts makes it so much worse. they get on my nerves so fucking much I just want to go in their rooms and break everything they own, after I take back all the stuff my sister has stolen from me. she has so much shit and decides to take my stuff anyway. she's pathetic and useless and doesn't make anything better, she only makes things worse. I don't know how she lives with no purpose in life. she is like a parasite in my family, she doesn't do any good. aimee is worthless. she deserves every bit of that broken neck. I love her I mean she's my sister. but sometimes I wish she'd go away again for a long time, like all the times she did for rehab. at milepost 5 anita, jessica hughes and I were talking about her rehab stuff and we said "aimee has a season pass to rehab" I thought it was funny. maybe she'll go to jail for this accident and it'll change her for the better. something needs to change, she is completely wasting her life and bringing down our family. she even had the nerve to wear a low cut black shirt to church-the 1st sunday she decides to come- showing her sleazy, disgusting bear paw tattoos on her breasts. DISGUSTING SLUT. honestly, was she trying to embarrass our family? I'm not sure but probably. nah actually she probably didn't even give us a thought- aimee thinks about aimee and doesn't give a damn about anyone else. she was drinking this energy drink throughout the service, too. like wtf who brings an energy drink into church? you aren't supposed to do that I mean she might as well bring a bag of mcdonald's next time, fuck it! right? I usually never cry unless it's during a movie but yesterday I was taking a bubble bath and just started crying. it was weird. I just feel so unhappy. church made me feel so much better today tho. it's like for once when they talked about people with despair and getting through hard times, it applied to me so I listened and it helped me a little. it's like even though I'm confused about exactly what I believe church still just makes me feel a lot better- I know everything happens for a reason but I do not believe everything about church, praying? God knows/sees/hears/plans everything> why should you waste your time and ask him to do stuff just bc you want Him to, like He'll do it if that is in the plan. so just shut up. <img src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/Rh4h3wZ-vgI/AAAAAAAAAgM/PUSJcAK7btk/s400/sometimes.jpg">